WHY & HOW TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF

Couple of days ago, I watched this super cute Christmas movie on Netflix. It made me think about standing up for ourselves as a act of self love.

Movie is about a shy girl who lets everyone walk over her all the time, but then she meets Santa & wishes to be brave enough to stand up for herself. Santa makes her wish come true for 2 days & her entire life changes radically in just 2 days because she was DONE being quiet.

She claimed her value + worth & was done accepting anything less than that. She got a whole new life of joy. In just 2 days.

You may think – yeah, it’s just a stupid movie, that shit doesn’t really happen AND why the hell are you watching Christmas movies in May anyways?!

(PMS & if you’re watching my Insta stories you are familiar with the weather here – it’s almost Christmas! )

I beg to differ.

How many times did people use you just because they know you won’t stand up for yourself? Just because they know you allow everyone to walk all over you, quietly?

Ever found yourself doing your colleagues work? “But Nina, her cat died 3 weeks ago, she’s traumatized!”

Driving everyone’s children to school all week although you have no time? “But Nina, I manage to make it work somehow!” Perhaps, but your hair is a mess & you haven’t relaxed in like 3 months. Not worth it.

Paying for everyones drinks 10th time in a row?

Writing their exam for them, risking your ass?

Picking up their dry cleaning?

Bringing coffee for everyone in the meeting?

How many of these things you actually WANT to be doing?

I’ll take a wild guess – not too many.

We often think we’re being “good” human beings, doing everyone a favor or two.. or 50. We find everyone important. We make time for everyone.

Except, you know, ourselves.

We often think we’re being “good” human beings, doing everyone a favor or two.. or 50. We find everyone important. We make time for everyone. Except, you know, ourselves. Click To Tweet

I know this was my truth for much longer than I care to admit. I’d let anyone do, say, be whatever they wanted towards me & never stood up. Instead, I’d go visit my good old friend – fridge. And since eating a bowl of ice cream didn’t solve my problem, I’d proceed to be an asshole to the people around me who didn’t deserve that. Then I’d feel even worse & end up visiting mr. fridge again. Not a healthy way of living nor handling your emotions. Not a bit of self love.

The truth is, people can smell us who are ready to let them use us & there are some who will use it for their benefit. Those are the ones that will most likely complain + have a negative reaction once you decide to stand up for yourself and set some boudaries.

Think very hard if you need these kind of people in your life, or would you rather surround yourself with supportive, loving people who don’t only take, but also give.

Sure, at the beginning it may seem unusal for everyone around you that you’re suddenly changing, but the ones worthy of your attention will get over it soon & will probably respect you even more.

Standing up for yourself is a huge part of self-love. Instead of being a victim, which cannot possibly result in feeling wonderful about yourself, you will now choose to prioritize yourself & not let anyone push you around.

Practicing this will help you develop a loving relationship with yourself. You will claim your self worth & prove yourself that you’re a valuable human being. Which you are.

What do I do & how do I stand up for myself?

Well, babe, you practice. As many others, standing up for yourself is just a skill. Speaking up your mind, saying what you think and want is hard in the beginning, especially if you’ve spent last 20 years of your life being the quiet one who lets everyone walk all over her.

However, it is possible, of course.

1. Affirmations

What I’d suggest starting with is affirming to yourself that you’re worthy – as many times a day as needed. In my free resources library, I wrote Self-love Affirmations ebook. You can use it to give you ideas what to affirm to yourself.

I know you may think – Oh come on, affirmations, really?!

Yes, really. Because they work.

As good ancient Latins would say – repetitio mater studiorum est. The more you repeat something, the better you’ll remember it. And then, just like magic, it will drown in your subconscious mind & become who you are. Repeating affirmations suddenly won’t feel strange anymore, it will feel like you’re telling the truth.

Once you know 100% that you’re a worthy, valuable person, which you are, standing up for yourself will become easier.

Affirmations help you accept that you're worthy & valuable - which makes standing up for yourself a lot easier! Click To Tweet

Pro tip: there’s also a great NLP technique called “Swish Pattern” that can help you replacing negative behaviour with a more positive one in a matter of minutes. It’s easy, fun & most important, it works – you can try it alone or reach out to me to guide you through it (I’m not yet NLP practitioner, but I’m working on it).

2. Small steps to speak up your mind

Now, to take the practice out of your own mind, step number two would be taking small steps to speaking your mind.

Next time someone does or says something you find offensive – speak up.

No need to be agressive. In fact, that’s the wrong way to go about it. You could end up being a bully – this won’t serve the quality of your relationships any more than being passive.

Use “I” sentences – “I feel ignored when I’m talking to you & you’re looking at the phone”, instead of “You’re a jerk, I’m talking to you & all you care for is stupid phone!”

Don’t judge them, raise your voice, speak too fast – these are all fear based behaviours & not what we’re aiming for.

You want to express your opinions & emotions as calm as possible, with authority and integrity. But also with kindness.

Express your opinions & emotions as calm as possible, with authority and integrity. But also with kindness. Click To Tweet

On the other end of the conversation is also a human being. They matter as well. You don’t want to stand up for yourself with crushing others – that won’t do you any good. Always assume that the other person is doing the best they can with the understanding they have. Sure, this doesn’t give them the right to walk all over you, which is why you’re speaking up, but it doesn’t give you the right to react as a bully.

Rather, choose to respond as a mature person.

If you’re not sure what the other person meant with their behaviour – ask before you respond. Clarity is always a good thing.

Choice to respond instead of react will ultimately lead to a loving relationship with yourself. Even if you don’t get desired results, aka., even if the other person continues “being a jerk”.

When you’re speaking up, make sure to be as clear as possible about what you’re trying to say & ask the person if they understood your correctly. Because misunderstandings + reacting too fast instead of choosing to clarify the situation leads to unnecessary discussions.

I once spend 4 hours having a heated discussion with a friend, only to find out we had exactly the same view on the situation. But neither of us was expressing it with clarity, so we misunderstood each other & just reacted.. and reacted, for 4 hours.

If one of us took a moment to think instead of to react, we would had probably came to a conclusion a lot earlier.

Taking a moment to think before responding is always a good idea. You can potentially see if you’re missing something, if you’re being judgmental, if you really did something wrong or if the other person is just being a jerk for no apparent reason.

It also allows you to check in with yourself & see what are you trying to say at all, what do you want from the whole thing. Having a clear intention will make it a lot easier for you to speak up with clarity and integrity.

Check in with yourself & see what do you want from the whole thing. Having a clear intention will make it a lot easier for you to speak up with clarity and integrity. Click To Tweet

3. Hone your skills

Third step is just to practice this skill, as often as possible. Aim for more meaningful situations as much as you can.

You could have started with telling a guy in the restaurant he brought you a wrong meal. When you do this for a few times, it’s time to grow & tell your client your working hours are not at Sunday evening nor are they allowed to call you 15 times a day.

Keep your cool at all times & always assume the best possible outcome.

After all, you’re communicating with humans, not monsters. Even when it seems otherwise.

The longer you wait, the harder it gets

Yes, standing up for yourself demands courage. It demands stepping out of your comfort zone. The longer you keep quiet, the harder it will get.

Waiting times are over – it’s your turn to uplevel your self love by speaking up your mind with integrity.

Standing up for yourself demands courage + stepping out of your comfort zone. The longer you keep quiet, the harder it will get. Click To Tweet

From taking this step on your self love journey, you will reap huge benefits. Not only in the most important relationship in your life – with yourself, but also with other relationships. Reasonable people worthy of your time will grow to respect you even more. You may need to let some people go, but that’s just the way growth works. You need to let bullies go to create space for the loving people.

Another important relationship that will benefit from your courage to speak up is, of course, with food. Remember all the times you ate your feelings instead of expressing them?

It’s time to let that crap go & step into a new, brighter future. Future of freedom.

I’m here for you. I know exactly what you’re going through & I know your whole life can transform for the better – as soon as you decide to take action.