Couple of days ago, I watched this super cute Christmas movie on Netflix. It made me think about standing up for ourselves as a act of self love.
Movie is about a shy girl who lets everyone walk over her all the time, but then she meets Santa & wishes to be brave enough to stand up for herself. Santa makes her wish come true for 2 days & her entire life changes radically in just 2 days because she was DONE being quiet.
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She claimed her value + worth & was done accepting anything less than that. She got a whole new life of joy. In just 2 days.
You may think – yeah, itâs just a stupid movie, that shit doesnât really happen AND why the hell are you watching Christmas movies in May anyways?!
(PMS & if youâre watching my Insta stories you are familiar with the weather here – itâs almost Christmas! )
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I beg to differ.
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How many times did people use you just because they know you wonât stand up for yourself? Just because they know you allow everyone to walk all over you, quietly?
Ever found yourself doing your colleagues work? âBut Nina, her cat died 3 weeks ago, sheâs traumatized!â
Driving everyoneâs children to school all week although you have no time? âBut Nina, I manage to make it work somehow!â Perhaps, but your hair is a mess & you havenât relaxed in like 3 months. Not worth it.
Paying for everyones drinks 10th time in a row?
Writing their exam for them, risking your ass?
Picking up their dry cleaning?
Bringing coffee for everyone in the meeting?
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How many of these things you actually WANT to be doing?
Iâll take a wild guess – not too many.
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We often think weâre being âgoodâ human beings, doing everyone a favor or two.. or 50. We find everyone important. We make time for everyone.
Except, you know, ourselves.
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We often think weâre being âgoodâ human beings, doing everyone a favor or two.. or 50. We find everyone important. We make time for everyone. Except, you know, ourselves. Click To TweetÂ
I know this was my truth for much longer than I care to admit. Iâd let anyone do, say, be whatever they wanted towards me & never stood up. Instead, Iâd go visit my good old friend – fridge. And since eating a bowl of ice cream didnât solve my problem, Iâd proceed to be an asshole to the people around me who didnât deserve that. Then Iâd feel even worse & end up visiting mr. fridge again. Not a healthy way of living nor handling your emotions. Not a bit of self love.
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The truth is, people can smell us who are ready to let them use us & there are some who will use it for their benefit. Those are the ones that will most likely complain + have a negative reaction once you decide to stand up for yourself and set some boudaries.
Think very hard if you need these kind of people in your life, or would you rather surround yourself with supportive, loving people who donât only take, but also give.
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Sure, at the beginning it may seem unusal for everyone around you that youâre suddenly changing, but the ones worthy of your attention will get over it soon & will probably respect you even more.
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Standing up for yourself is a huge part of self-love. Instead of being a victim, which cannot possibly result in feeling wonderful about yourself, you will now choose to prioritize yourself & not let anyone push you around.
Practicing this will help you develop a loving relationship with yourself. You will claim your self worth & prove yourself that youâre a valuable human being. Which you are.
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Standing up for yourself is a huge part of self-love. Instead of being a victim, which cannot possibly result in feeling wonderful about yourself, you will now choose to prioritize yourself & not let anyone push you around. Click To TweetWhat do I do & how do I stand up for myself?
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Well, babe, you practice. As many others, standing up for yourself is just a skill. Speaking up your mind, saying what you think and want is hard in the beginning, especially if youâve spent last 20 years of your life being the quiet one who lets everyone walk all over her.
However, it is possible, of course.
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1. Affirmations
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What Iâd suggest starting with is affirming to yourself that youâre worthy – as many times a day as needed. In my free resources library, I wrote Self-love Affirmations ebook. You can use it to give you ideas what to affirm to yourself.
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I know you may think – Oh come on, affirmations, really?!
Yes, really. Because they work.
As good ancient Latins would say – repetitio mater studiorum est. The more you repeat something, the better youâll remember it. And then, just like magic, it will drown in your subconscious mind & become who you are. Repeating affirmations suddenly wonât feel strange anymore, it will feel like youâre telling the truth.
Once you know 100% that youâre a worthy, valuable person, which you are, standing up for yourself will become easier.
Affirmations help you accept that you're worthy & valuable - which makes standing up for yourself a lot easier! Click To TweetÂ
Pro tip: thereâs also a great NLP technique called âSwish Patternâ that can help you replacing negative behaviour with a more positive one in a matter of minutes. Itâs easy, fun & most important, it works – you can try it alone or reach out to me to guide you through it (Iâm not yet NLP practitioner, but Iâm working on it).
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2. Small steps to speak up your mind
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Now, to take the practice out of your own mind, step number two would be taking small steps to speaking your mind.
Next time someone does or says something you find offensive – speak up.
No need to be agressive. In fact, thatâs the wrong way to go about it. You could end up being a bully – this wonât serve the quality of your relationships any more than being passive.
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Use âIâ sentences – âI feel ignored when Iâm talking to you & youâre looking at the phoneâ, instead of âYouâre a jerk, Iâm talking to you & all you care for is stupid phone!â
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Donât judge them, raise your voice, speak too fast – these are all fear based behaviours & not what weâre aiming for.
You want to express your opinions & emotions as calm as possible, with authority and integrity. But also with kindness.
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Express your opinions & emotions as calm as possible, with authority and integrity. But also with kindness. Click To TweetÂ
On the other end of the conversation is also a human being. They matter as well. You donât want to stand up for yourself with crushing others – that wonât do you any good. Always assume that the other person is doing the best they can with the understanding they have. Sure, this doesnât give them the right to walk all over you, which is why youâre speaking up, but it doesnât give you the right to react as a bully.
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Rather, choose to respond as a mature person.
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If youâre not sure what the other person meant with their behaviour – ask before you respond. Clarity is always a good thing.
Choice to respond instead of react will ultimately lead to a loving relationship with yourself. Even if you donât get desired results, aka., even if the other person continues âbeing a jerkâ.
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When youâre speaking up, make sure to be as clear as possible about what youâre trying to say & ask the person if they understood your correctly. Because misunderstandings + reacting too fast instead of choosing to clarify the situation leads to unnecessary discussions.
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I once spend 4 hours having a heated discussion with a friend, only to find out we had exactly the same view on the situation. But neither of us was expressing it with clarity, so we misunderstood each other & just reacted.. and reacted, for 4 hours.
If one of us took a moment to think instead of to react, we would had probably came to a conclusion a lot earlier.
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Taking a moment to think before responding is always a good idea. You can potentially see if youâre missing something, if youâre being judgmental, if you really did something wrong or if the other person is just being a jerk for no apparent reason.
It also allows you to check in with yourself & see what are you trying to say at all, what do you want from the whole thing. Having a clear intention will make it a lot easier for you to speak up with clarity and integrity.
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Check in with yourself & see what do you want from the whole thing. Having a clear intention will make it a lot easier for you to speak up with clarity and integrity. Click To TweetÂ
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3. Hone your skills
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Third step is just to practice this skill, as often as possible. Aim for more meaningful situations as much as you can.
You could have started with telling a guy in the restaurant he brought you a wrong meal. When you do this for a few times, itâs time to grow & tell your client your working hours are not at Sunday evening nor are they allowed to call you 15 times a day.
Keep your cool at all times & always assume the best possible outcome.
After all, youâre communicating with humans, not monsters. Even when it seems otherwise.
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The longer you wait, the harder it gets
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Yes, standing up for yourself demands courage. It demands stepping out of your comfort zone. The longer you keep quiet, the harder it will get.
Waiting times are over – itâs your turn to uplevel your self love by speaking up your mind with integrity.
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Standing up for yourself demands courage + stepping out of your comfort zone. The longer you keep quiet, the harder it will get. Click To TweetÂ
From taking this step on your self love journey, you will reap huge benefits. Not only in the most important relationship in your life – with yourself, but also with other relationships. Reasonable people worthy of your time will grow to respect you even more. You may need to let some people go, but thatâs just the way growth works. You need to let bullies go to create space for the loving people.
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Another important relationship that will benefit from your courage to speak up is, of course, with food. Remember all the times you ate your feelings instead of expressing them?
Itâs time to let that crap go & step into a new, brighter future. Future of freedom.
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Iâm here for you. I know exactly what youâre going through & I know your whole life can transform for the better – as soon as you decide to take action.
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YOUR TURN:
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Tell me! Whatâs you biggest challenge with standing up for yourself?
How would your life transform if you spoke up your mind?
How would your relationship with yourself transform if you decided to respect yourself and set boundaries?
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Share your story with me, Iâm obsessed with knowing what keeps you up at night!
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Lots of love,
Nina